So since I have started blogging I have had loads of views and followers, which is a good thing, but I don’t blog for that reason. I find that when I write, it just pours out and blogging helps me keep up my word count and encourage me to continue writing. I, usually, write about controversial subjects with a passion that some take time to get too. I carry with me baggage, like any person, some of that is belief based, but the majority is personal. Often I will write about something I feel passionately about like religion or politics, sometimes I will jump onto the bandwagon and target something that everyone is barking on about, because when I write, I write with passion. I have been told, and read, by several people and in several places, that anyone can write. Anyone can write a book. anyone can write a script, article, poem, short. Its not something that requires skill, as people write every single day. Its the content, passion and dedication that separates a writer from a blogger, or one time competition entrant. Someone within a group I am a member of has managed to get herself published, professionally, which is a fantastic achievement and one that requires dedication.
Then I turn to my own writing, I turn to the writing I dedicate myself too and I get a sense of dread based failure. Like I am looking into a deep chasm of commitment that I cannot step into, the fear of hurting myself when I do is too great. The bridge across the chasm is much more tempting, the bridge of giving up, of going back to that life of playing games, working five days a week and, really, not having a great sense of accomplishment at the end of it all. Now the life I lead outside of work I can accomplish so much, house, wife, child, happiness leads from these things on a selfish level. I made a child, I worked for my house, I managed to meet someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. These things some people don’t desire, and they have their own self accomplishments, but these are things I want. Sadly those things are quite easy to achieve through being a nice, caring, hardworking person. My work based achievements are harder to reach, I dedicated myself to a corporation for nine years before I was spat back out again with not much to show for it, now I am back with the same company, just a different umbrella and its hard work, again. I hope that in a few years time I would have climbed up to, at least, the next level and I will have accomplished something from the company.
Personally, I have a very low self esteem at the moment, almost none existent. I don’t feel like I am accomplishing anything at all. This is the point of todays blog. I write, sometimes, too much about subjects that have zero impact on my life. Nine times out if ten I, honestly, don’t say what I say in order to change anyone’s point of view. Likewise I care little about the comments made, as they won’t change my mind. Life is grinding me down, I honestly feel low, but not in a depressed dangerous kind of way. I am just disappointed within myself. Its human nature to seek approval of others within society, so often the choices we make and the things we say are all done to seek approval of our peers. Irrelevant of what some might say, its the reason we do things and the reason we commit on a level we do regarding certain subjects. Luckily through my own ignorant, selfish nature, I honestly don’t do anything to see approval, I couldn’t care less about seeking anything from anybody. I have no real close friends anymore, my peers are all too far away (work wise) and the girl I love knows where she and I stand with each other. I think, what I am missing, is someone who just backs me up. I am missing a friend that I can spend time with, be with and just talk to on a level where he won’t be a huge moron about the subject matter I am talking to him about, but debate with me the finer points of the subject. I am not looking for a yes man, I see too many of my friends who have too many yes people around them and I, honestly, feel sorry for them. I am looking for someone who, at the end of a debate will smile, and go for a cup of coffee with me. No anger, no snide comments, no continuation of attempting to prove a point that was made time and time again, in order to sway me. Just a simple smile, and change the conversation to the psychology of cats.
I can see that, on a deeper level, that person was my father. I could talk to him about anything and he would debate with me, make me see the finer points and then show me a video of a cat falling over. Why? That is what a good friend does, essentially we all go through life accepting that these friends are great, but some only surround themselves with yes men, people who agree with them for the sake of having friends in lots of places.
I am struggling with life at the moment, that chasm won’t disappear, nor will I avoid it. I stand at the bridge deciding whether or not to jump into the chasm and see what happens, or just cross the bridge. What I feel though is that I am being pushed across the bridge, even though I have not yet decided. I have already dove into one chasm, the religious chasm, and I know that its a difficult path to follow, but I am walking it. I would just like someone to stop me and support me with what I want to do and, at the moment, I feel like I am alone in the crowd. The crowd is surging towards the bridge of simplicity, the easy life on the other side, where people just work, breath and sleep. I would love to jump into the chasm of writing, but I need support, emotionally and physically to do the writing course I want to do.
Although vanity and self gratification aren’t the best principles for someone to follow, I just want to write a book, publish it and have my name printed on the cover. It will prove that I can do it, and it is something I have a deep passion for. The passion I have when I write can get so deep I forget time exists, and I slip away onto a stream of subconscious thought that spills out onto the keyboard. Later when I look back I can see bits I’ve missed as my fingers move at such a rate, I forget to type whole words. I love writing, but I cannot afford to do it full time, yet. Yet is a world used when someone really wants something, and is working towards it, but your not quite there.
Here’s to hoping that, sometime in the future, I can be the writer I want to be.
Take care everyone.