The Next Step

So for years I have attempted to rebuild my life from the wreck it became, granted it was a tough journey, but I am not the only person who has walked along that path.

Its a path that, as I imagine it, is one of those tough old paths you find. You know the one, that path that isn’t even, has loose rocks lay all along it, and climbs up at a steep incline. Its well worn, not paved and leads to that lonely dark spot where you stand alone. When you get there you see a wall within the side of the mountain you’ve climbed, built into the earth itself. Its an old wall, people have scratched their name into the old stone work, faded names that you can’t really read properly. However when I touch the names I feel a deep sense of communion, emotions overcome me; grief, loss, sorrow. There is a door set into the wall, an old wooden door, its stone frame supporting its great size. I walk over to the door and turn the handle, pushing & pulling I realise it is locked. Also set into the wall is what appears to be a mirror, and as I walk over to look at myself, I see nothing but blackness. The mirror isn’t what it first appears to be, its a window into the unknown, something I would look into for some time. I turn to walk back down the path and leave the summit of this mountain, but the torrential rain has caused the path to become unsafe to walk. With the mountain sitting so high, it would kill me to just jump to get back to the bottom, but it would be an easier way to reach safety. So I waited, kept trying the door and looking at the window. Sometimes I would see past images through the window, a past which I didn’t regret, but didn’t want to go through again. Sometimes the sun would appear through the rain clouds, providing me with a respite & warmth, but I would shrink away from it. I would hide, sit alone and stare at the door, hoping for it to open.

I kept working, and hard, constantly attempting to improve my situation. I ignored what I was feeling, or how it affected me and because of work I never really dealt with the problem. I lost my father, my house and my friends. I did things I never meant to do, because I didn’t deal with my emotions and my feelings when it needed to be dealt with. I let them fester and burn within me and it would be years until I dealt with them. The loss of my father broke me internally, but I changed myself to overcome the loss. I taught myself how to manage, built up a wall whilst I sat in the rain, on the mountain of loneliness. Once or twice a great friend would come and visit me, make me smile, but then they walked through the door. I often tried to follow, but I never could, it was always locked. I loved and lost during this time, lonely one way or another. I lost friends and lost family, I made new friends and forged a new family, all from the loss of my father. As I sat on the mountain, the rain washed over me, soaking me to the bone.

The window started showing me the past I have lived and how negative that past was. The best part of that was the self realisation, not a forced realisation, nor peer pressure. I came to that conclusion myself and I felt good about that. The light at the top of the mountain started warming me and I turned to that light, I didn’t hide away from the light, I let it embrace me. I learnt what the light was, how it warmed, taught and carried people. I embraced a new love, a new job and I started, again, to grow my life anew. Suddenly, one morning, I tried the door and it opened. I had climbed to to the top of this mountain alone, stood there for years looking through a window that was my life. Looking down on everyone going about their own lives and living them the maximum, but through that I learnt a lot in life. The window stopped showing me the mistakes I had made, but the future I could have. Now I have something to live for and I have only a handful of people to thank for that. Too many people walked away from me and stopped being supportive, granted I didn’t help myself with them, but only a couple of people contacted me when I was atop of my mountain. So I walked through the open door.

Now that all might seem a little preachy, but its true for myself. Finally my hard work has paid off and is worth something. For years I have really tried to get myself back to the place I was at before everything fell apart, before I stood alone. Now all my actual hard work is paying off and it feels great. I have been accepted for my mortgage, my own mortgage and it is through my own hard work, no one elses. Upon opening the door a new, paved path appeared in front of me, one that leads to a better place. I guess those who have left me behind will understand that I have left them behind myself. Everyone moves on, those who come back to you or stand by you through that transition, are people who are worth your time. I am happier than I was two years ago and that is thanks to a few people who have helped me on my way. Now I am building a new life for myself, one that doesn’t involve those who want to break me down for their own entertainment.

So tomorrow is a new day, a day where I can smile knowing my life is getting better, to the place I’ve wanted to be for some years. Through mistakes of my own making its taken me a while to get there, but lets hope I don’t make the same mistakes again.


1 thought on “The Next Step

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s