Me, myself and I

It’s been a while since I last posted something. Things have changed, both employment wise and personality wise. New job, an easier one with new challenges, but I really enjoy it. It’s been some time since I’ve looked forward to going to work, although some do moan about the daily task, not me. Granted like everyone I have hard days, but who doesn’t?

I’m not writing though to talk about my job. I fancied being honest again.  I’ve changed, a lot. I’ve only realised it though across the past few months, not just the change itself, but by how much I’ve changed. I remember the days of me being able to laugh about anything and everything, being up for anything and being the centre of a fantastic group of friends. Battle brothers/sisters eternal. Doing things as a group, you eventually come to miss not doing things as part of that group. However we age, get mortgages, have babies; these are things that take priority as you age. It’s not that aspect for me that has changed; it’s me. I’ve changed for reasons beyond my control, I am no longer the person I used to be.

I hate discussing it, because it always seems like I’m dragging up the past to get emotive, or to get attention, far from it. I rarely mention my father, or his death, unless someone asks. But that’s when I changed, and I’ve been exploring why, and what reason it happened. It’s difficult losing your role model, father, friend and not changing. Shit if I lost one of my closest friends for any reason, it would be like a black-hole opening up.

I’ll never forget sitting in Matt’s car, having just picked up Ronnie and I got the call that he’d died. That was when the flame went on under my uncontrolled, uneven kettle. Slowly over time it bubbled, and boiled away, unseen to most. I tried to control it, attempting to keep the mature, normal composure for my family. I cried, but when I did I did so alone. I remember crying once, racked with sorrow and I reached out for no-one, grasping into thin air, sobbing harder in loneliness. I’ve never felt more alone than at that point in my life, it’s what changed me, it’s why I changed.

This was the point in which my life turned upside down, and not in a fresh prince style. I made some seriously stupid mistakes, mistakes that not only ruined my life, but another’s. I wasn’t a very nice guy, not a Mr Right nor a gentleman, I was selfish. Of course those mistakes are my own, not my Dads; but I felt so alone. I just wanted someone to listen and understand, to take my pain away and to make me feel whole and complete. Someone to say “It’ll be all right”, but I didn’t get that, I never received that from anyone. Not to sound like a martyr but I was a crutch for many, but no one was for me. That doesn’t justify what I did, but I am being honest with why I committed to what I did wrong. I lost my fiancé, flat, friends and family; I turned to drinking and partying. I undone what had taken nearly ten years to build. It was during this time I really, really changed.

I stopped being fun, everything was serious, and it still is. I remember years ago being able to play a computer game with Ronnie, crying in tears of laughter; Now if I don’t win I get frustrated. Nothing is fun. I feel like a poor boyfriend, a lazy person and a bad friend. I am trying, trying so hard to change those things, but the darker days are more frequent than the brighter ones.

I am about to become a father, a Dad to a daughter. They say that when a soul moves on, it does so to make way for another. The snopers out there will point out there are more people being born than dying; true but I am romantic with my ideas. I hope that when my Georgia is born it is the start of a new phase of my life, and I am hoping it becomes fun again.

Why am I writing this? I don’t know, maybe it’s to try and explain myself. Maybe I am writing a depressive spell away on a long train journey, or it’s to those who don’t really know me. Take what you want from it or just ignore it, it doesn’t bother me much. My life has moved on and every life lesson is a lesson learned. I’m in a better place at the moment, but mentally I struggling frequently. Maybe someday I’ll get better, I might not either, but I know that I’m going to be a good Dad and husband someday, I just hope it is sooner than later.

I am where I am, one step at a time.

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