Me, myself and I

It’s been a while since I last posted something. Things have changed, both employment wise and personality wise. New job, an easier one with new challenges, but I really enjoy it. It’s been some time since I’ve looked forward to going to work, although some do moan about the daily task, not me. Granted like everyone I have hard days, but who doesn’t?

I’m not writing though to talk about my job. I fancied being honest again.  I’ve changed, a lot. I’ve only realised it though across the past few months, not just the change itself, but by how much I’ve changed. I remember the days of me being able to laugh about anything and everything, being up for anything and being the centre of a fantastic group of friends. Battle brothers/sisters eternal. Doing things as a group, you eventually come to miss not doing things as part of that group. However we age, get mortgages, have babies; these are things that take priority as you age. It’s not that aspect for me that has changed; it’s me. I’ve changed for reasons beyond my control, I am no longer the person I used to be.

I hate discussing it, because it always seems like I’m dragging up the past to get emotive, or to get attention, far from it. I rarely mention my father, or his death, unless someone asks. But that’s when I changed, and I’ve been exploring why, and what reason it happened. It’s difficult losing your role model, father, friend and not changing. Shit if I lost one of my closest friends for any reason, it would be like a black-hole opening up.

I’ll never forget sitting in Matt’s car, having just picked up Ronnie and I got the call that he’d died. That was when the flame went on under my uncontrolled, uneven kettle. Slowly over time it bubbled, and boiled away, unseen to most. I tried to control it, attempting to keep the mature, normal composure for my family. I cried, but when I did I did so alone. I remember crying once, racked with sorrow and I reached out for no-one, grasping into thin air, sobbing harder in loneliness. I’ve never felt more alone than at that point in my life, it’s what changed me, it’s why I changed.

This was the point in which my life turned upside down, and not in a fresh prince style. I made some seriously stupid mistakes, mistakes that not only ruined my life, but another’s. I wasn’t a very nice guy, not a Mr Right nor a gentleman, I was selfish. Of course those mistakes are my own, not my Dads; but I felt so alone. I just wanted someone to listen and understand, to take my pain away and to make me feel whole and complete. Someone to say “It’ll be all right”, but I didn’t get that, I never received that from anyone. Not to sound like a martyr but I was a crutch for many, but no one was for me. That doesn’t justify what I did, but I am being honest with why I committed to what I did wrong. I lost my fiancé, flat, friends and family; I turned to drinking and partying. I undone what had taken nearly ten years to build. It was during this time I really, really changed.

I stopped being fun, everything was serious, and it still is. I remember years ago being able to play a computer game with Ronnie, crying in tears of laughter; Now if I don’t win I get frustrated. Nothing is fun. I feel like a poor boyfriend, a lazy person and a bad friend. I am trying, trying so hard to change those things, but the darker days are more frequent than the brighter ones.

I am about to become a father, a Dad to a daughter. They say that when a soul moves on, it does so to make way for another. The snopers out there will point out there are more people being born than dying; true but I am romantic with my ideas. I hope that when my Georgia is born it is the start of a new phase of my life, and I am hoping it becomes fun again.

Why am I writing this? I don’t know, maybe it’s to try and explain myself. Maybe I am writing a depressive spell away on a long train journey, or it’s to those who don’t really know me. Take what you want from it or just ignore it, it doesn’t bother me much. My life has moved on and every life lesson is a lesson learned. I’m in a better place at the moment, but mentally I struggling frequently. Maybe someday I’ll get better, I might not either, but I know that I’m going to be a good Dad and husband someday, I just hope it is sooner than later.

I am where I am, one step at a time.

Advertisements

Tomorrow, a vote is a vote, but worth so much more…

Tomorrow we go to the polls, to vote for the next leader of our country.  For some it is a standard affair, one that has been repeated for most of their lives, for others its a start, something they may have never really done, nor bothered too.  For some it is more important than it is for others.  Some won’t really care about the next step in our countries evolution, some won’t be bothered about where, and what state, our country will be in for the next election.  Others however, have suffered, some harshly, others not so.  Some have been scarred by the current Prime Ministers lack of focus on the majority populace, choosing to work for the elite, the cream of society, those who look down on the common man as nothing more than a worker, or plebeian.  Personally I do look down on society, but not for reasons of superiority, but more disappointment.  We choose this leader, we picked him to lead us and move our country forward.  Based on a set of lies and deceit, we are convinced, daily, that it was Labour who ruined our country, Labour who caused the crash, and Labour that plunged our country into disarray.  Many forget it was Labour who created the foundation that the Tories built upon, Labour who formed the foundation that allowed them to leap frog into their current “Golden Age”.  All Labours foundation, all Labours work; the winners look like the Tories, thanks to that hard work.

Tomorrow marks a day where you can make a huge difference.  The Tories have ruined this country, not for everyone, but for the majority, the working man and woman.  I am not one to say to someone “Don’t vote for them”, that isn’t democratic, nor is it fair.  I am one, however, to point out facts, figures, and yes over exaggerate my opinion (it always sounds 400% worse than I say it is; sorry).  You may think that your “Demonstration” vote of the Greens, or Liberal Democrats will send a CLEAR message to the Conservatives; alas it will, but not how you think.  A vote for any one else, other than a major party is, almost, a wasted vote.  If you vote for the any other party, you remove the chance of the Conservatives being pipped at the post.  Thanks to our outstanding method of voting (sarcasm), if the Tories win the majority, it is THEM that pick the Coalition, no one else.  So voting for Greens, Liberal Democrats or UKIP as a protest vote is INDEED a wasted vote.  It merely allows the Conservatives another term in office, another term to suck the country dry, another term to kill the weakest, and least protected of society.

Tomorrow I urge you to vote Labour.  They are not perfect, they are not going to change the country overnight.  Labour will change, for the long term, the country for the better, just like they set out to do during their last term in office.  I didn’t see Labour cutting benefits until people killed themselves, I didn’t see Labour sitting silent as more and more people relied on food banks.  Labour set the ground work for a great country, a country that, today, has climbed out of a black hole.  It would have been a smoother ride for all, had they managed to get a second term.  Alas thanks to tasty propaganda and lies, the Tories stepped in and have claimed the hard work for themselves.

So tomorrow, please, vote.  Vote for whoever you want, but please remember that when you put your mark down, you are directly having an impact on peoples lives.  Remember that under the Tories people have died, not due to negligence, through ignorance.  Don’t allow that to happen any more.  Let us make our country a great one, let us create a country that is strong, proud and loves its populace.

Thanks for reading and please feel free to share this.

Eye Opening “Citizenfour”

So tomorrow I start my new job, fingers crossed I’ll never have to work a weekend again (apart from if I manage to get back into the Army Reserves; but I want to do that, its not really work).  I decided that I would treat myself, and be a teenager again, stay up late and catch up on TV.  Working in retail, late nights are a not really an option.  4am wake ups are common place, especially when the masses need their coffee.  However now I have a new job, I thought I’d treat myself to Match of the Day, and to finally watch “Citizenfour”.

Wow, what an eye opener.  Last night my entire opinion of Edward Snowden was changed by Laura Poitras, massively hard hitting documentary.  As I put it on, I was generally disinterested, expecting it to be another “Talk to the viewer” documentary, where its just facts and figures thrown at you by someone who has no great understanding of how things work.  This was an outstanding documentary, one where you followed the path that Laura walked along, from prior to her actually receiving the original e-mail from Citizenfour, through to him ending up on Moscow.  I watched how the NSA attempted to tell four judges it was okay for them to ignore constitution and law.  As the documentary progressed, I was, honestly, on the edge of my seat, hooked.  I watched Edwards journey from US citizen, to lost soul in an airport and I felt his pain.

Now, for those of you that no me, I am not usually an emotional soul, but this film really hit home.  I was shocked that the NSA, and GCHQ, are using such tactics, and actively. Now I’m not am American, sometimes I wish I was, but watching this I am damn glad I live on this side of the pond.  Well, I was until I learned of “Tempora”, and how the evidence released in the documentary point to that we’re tapped often, frequently and this meta-data is collected.  As was stated, how can people educate themselves, when they live in fear of being spotted looking at something they shouldn’t.  It pushes them underground, it criminalises them in the eyes of said governments.  Don’t get me started on that stupid “1918 Espionage Act”, what hell is wrong with American law?

“Hey, we are charging you with breaking the 1918 Espionage Act.”, “Well alls I did was tell the truth.”, “Yeah, by the way, any defence, is no defence.  So your guity, that is the only outcome.”

What.  The.  ?!?!  On how many levels of wrong is that?  You’ll happily debate about random unimportant issues, like computer game certificates, yet sensible changes on the law, nope.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for you Independents across the ocean.  We’ve been together since, well, hundred & odd years ago, and I can’t see that relationship souring.  However considering you are all meant to be the shining example of civil liberty, I cannot see that after watching “Citizenfour”.  You are the opposite.  If the NSA aren’t reigned in, if they aren’t stopped and the people who allowed it happen brought to justice, you are one step from creating Big Brother.  How long until peoples doors are being kicked in because they searched the word “Jihad”, under the patriot act and arrested indefinitely.  The fact you have charged a US citizen with something he is automatically guilty of, because he told THE TRUTH.  He showed your nation, he showed the world, they you have lied to everyone who trusted in you, and what do you do?  You commit the one single act that screams against every single, civil liberty that you threw the shackles of colonialism off for; Freedom.  You have ruined a man’s life, because he told the truth, because you didn’t like it.

Well, Obama may be President, but he could have pardoned Snowden, as he revealed the issue within the NSA.  Instead he has allowed this charade to continue, and has even supported the legal side of the affair against Snowden.  Any person with an ounce of intelligence knows he’ll be put in jail, or worse, put in jail and disappear.  America has egg on its face, they know it, the world knows it, why can’t the US just do the one thing it never has; Put its hands up and say “Yeah, we messed up.”.

I hope that Snowden eventually gets to where he wants to get too, somewhere he can call home, that isn’t another oppressive, insecure state.  If you haven’t already watched “Citizenfour”, watch it.  Don’t hesitate, don’t wait, just go and sit down now and let your mind do the rest.  This isn’t some Zeitgeist BS that I’m asking you to watch, its a documentary.  Something that happened, see how it impacts you, them, Snowden, Poitras, Greenwald and the US.

https://citizenfourfilm.com/

Time for some gaming me thinks.

Guess whose back…

Yep, me. New job and, fingers crossed, new lease of life. Been too long since I have written anything, so I thought I would start with a basic blog post.

Since I last posted, things have changed slightly.  First off I am a home-owner, as I have moved in with Kim, after buying a house a stones throw from my Mums.  It needs a lot of work, but I think this is where I will be calling home for some time.  Secondly I managed to bag myself a new job, working for Pearson Group, at EdExcel.  It is a different job from what I have done previously, but as it requires Customer Service skills, something I have in abundance, it shouldn’t be too difficult a transition.  Also I’ve barely written a word since my last post on Geek Pride, which isn’t something positive to admit too.  This will be changing however, now I am a 9-5 man.

Blog wise, I’ve changed my WordPress a little, with the “Shorts Corner” turning into my personal music page, so you can listen to the music I love and like.  I am currently working on a couple of review for GP, two games that are in Beta, so watch this space.  I will be writing some stuff about current affairs and my points of view on them, especially about aspects of the world that massively, personally affect me.

Anyhow I’ve written the most I have written is some time, so I’m signing off to play some computer games and listen to some music.  Take care.

 

The Greatest Man

In my life I have had some very scary stuff happen to me, but fear is something I am not used to suffering from or feeling. I don’t fear the unknown, I don’t fear death, I don’t fear most things (Spiders strike the fear into me, but I’m bigger, so it soon passes). One thing has put fear into me and it happened years ago, and today of all days, I remember that fear. It was whilst I was walking and I had already done a similar walk once before on the same day.

It was raining when I stood outside the church, everyone was staring at me, looking awkward. I ignored the rain, didn’t let it bother me, those around me stood in the protection of the church overhang, or beneath umbrellas, I just stood there; numb. I never got chance to say goodbye to my Father, its something that haunts me randomly, although he knew my thoughts of him, I hope that he remembered what I said to him during his last moments. I remember caring him down the aisle of my church, the aisle that I have walked down so many times before, and after. The weight of my father baring down on my shoulder, but I was numb, I didn’t mind the weight. When I placed him down I did so awkwardly, but I stood staring, waiting, unsure of what to do next. After the service I carried him out again and off we went to the Crematorium. It was raining again, and the Military Veterans had prepared the location, so when I carried my Father in I wasn’t prepared. I’ll never forget that walk. I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to stop and put my Dad down, stop the entire process. I wanted to get him out, talk to him, make sure this is what he wanted. I was hoping that it was all a joke, but that was the fear. This was it, the final, end journey. I’d never hold him, see him or hear him again and that made me stop, fear struck at my heart.

I overcame my fear in the same moment it struck me, I had to do it, just like I had been taught, not against my will, but by watching my parents through life. I did what my mother and father did through their lives, pick myself up and carry on. Advance into the face of my fear and beat it or lose, but never stop moving forward, no matter what the odds. Throughout the entire process I had been numb to all emotion, people must have thought I didn’t care. The Veterans played the last post, and just as the first note played, it hit me; I cried like a baby, I sobbed so much, I didn’t even hear it end. I marshalled everything I had to stop crying. I did, but it was the worse day of my life

People have good parents, bad parents, okay parents. When people say “I have the best Dad ever!” to that person, they possibly are the best Dad. Without exaggeration though, I did have the best Dad. Not because he is my Dad, but because he would give up everything for Georgina, Mum and myself. He would go hungry to feed the family, he was a teacher, rarely let his temper get the better of him. For his family he would do everything in his power for them, help them when they needed him, do things for them they couldn’t do. He would help anyone outside of his family, supporting people whenever they needed him, providing money or equipment to those who needed it. He was always a friend to my friends, and my Sisters, never embarrassing, always supportive and joking around. And no matter what, he always smiled and could make anyone laugh, in any situation. So without exaggeration, other Dads pale in comparison, not because I say so, because he was the most selfless person I have ever met. Even during his final weeks he planned his own funeral, so not to have to put his immediate family in a uncomfortable situation; even the funeral director was shocked. My Dad had balls of steel, he had enough proof of that.

So why am I saying this? My Dads gone, and he died on the 21st of August 2007. I’m not saying your Dads shit, I don’t want someone with an ego issue throwing their tits around in excitement. When my father passed away, I lost my idol, the man I could never be, but yet strive to be like. I am sharing the worse day of my life, yet within that day the best of me came out. Since then I have struggled, every single day, but for others the struggle is worse. I cannot imagine how my Sister feels, and I will never come close to feeling how my Mother does. Yet, each persons feelings are different, each struggle unique to that person.

Every time that song plays, every time I see a father and son playing together, my heart breaks. My friend, Dave Olsen (Blog plug moment), wrote a great blog about what it means to be a great Dad. Being a great Dad is everything he pointed out, apart from one thing he forgot to mention: sacrifice. When you bring that life into the world, you need to show, teach, tell, nurture, care for, assist, guide, love, cherish, talk…THAT is what it means to be a great Dad. There is not a day that goes by where I wish I could pick up a phone and have a five minute chat with my Dad, even if it was to say “L Lu D.” and hear the reply “D Lu L”.

RIP Ron.
Dad, you will be missed x

The Greatest Man

I wasn’t there to say goodbye,
Neither did I hear your cry,
My sister bore that pain alone,
I wish I would have just come home.

Days had past the family low,
The funeral plans everyone had to know,
I spread your plans that I had to hear,
Your own words spoken without fear.

They brought you home for all to see,
Privacy was what we wanted it to be,
My mother never left your side,
She held your hand with a Wife’s dear pride.

That day did come to carry you away,
To the place in the sky so far away,
Down the aisle I carried you to and fro,
Goodbye Old man `tis time to go.

The years have past the pains still raw,
The void you left we can’t ignore,
We carry on but we never forget,
The greatest man we ever met.

The Next Step

So for years I have attempted to rebuild my life from the wreck it became, granted it was a tough journey, but I am not the only person who has walked along that path.

Its a path that, as I imagine it, is one of those tough old paths you find. You know the one, that path that isn’t even, has loose rocks lay all along it, and climbs up at a steep incline. Its well worn, not paved and leads to that lonely dark spot where you stand alone. When you get there you see a wall within the side of the mountain you’ve climbed, built into the earth itself. Its an old wall, people have scratched their name into the old stone work, faded names that you can’t really read properly. However when I touch the names I feel a deep sense of communion, emotions overcome me; grief, loss, sorrow. There is a door set into the wall, an old wooden door, its stone frame supporting its great size. I walk over to the door and turn the handle, pushing & pulling I realise it is locked. Also set into the wall is what appears to be a mirror, and as I walk over to look at myself, I see nothing but blackness. The mirror isn’t what it first appears to be, its a window into the unknown, something I would look into for some time. I turn to walk back down the path and leave the summit of this mountain, but the torrential rain has caused the path to become unsafe to walk. With the mountain sitting so high, it would kill me to just jump to get back to the bottom, but it would be an easier way to reach safety. So I waited, kept trying the door and looking at the window. Sometimes I would see past images through the window, a past which I didn’t regret, but didn’t want to go through again. Sometimes the sun would appear through the rain clouds, providing me with a respite & warmth, but I would shrink away from it. I would hide, sit alone and stare at the door, hoping for it to open.

I kept working, and hard, constantly attempting to improve my situation. I ignored what I was feeling, or how it affected me and because of work I never really dealt with the problem. I lost my father, my house and my friends. I did things I never meant to do, because I didn’t deal with my emotions and my feelings when it needed to be dealt with. I let them fester and burn within me and it would be years until I dealt with them. The loss of my father broke me internally, but I changed myself to overcome the loss. I taught myself how to manage, built up a wall whilst I sat in the rain, on the mountain of loneliness. Once or twice a great friend would come and visit me, make me smile, but then they walked through the door. I often tried to follow, but I never could, it was always locked. I loved and lost during this time, lonely one way or another. I lost friends and lost family, I made new friends and forged a new family, all from the loss of my father. As I sat on the mountain, the rain washed over me, soaking me to the bone.

The window started showing me the past I have lived and how negative that past was. The best part of that was the self realisation, not a forced realisation, nor peer pressure. I came to that conclusion myself and I felt good about that. The light at the top of the mountain started warming me and I turned to that light, I didn’t hide away from the light, I let it embrace me. I learnt what the light was, how it warmed, taught and carried people. I embraced a new love, a new job and I started, again, to grow my life anew. Suddenly, one morning, I tried the door and it opened. I had climbed to to the top of this mountain alone, stood there for years looking through a window that was my life. Looking down on everyone going about their own lives and living them the maximum, but through that I learnt a lot in life. The window stopped showing me the mistakes I had made, but the future I could have. Now I have something to live for and I have only a handful of people to thank for that. Too many people walked away from me and stopped being supportive, granted I didn’t help myself with them, but only a couple of people contacted me when I was atop of my mountain. So I walked through the open door.

Now that all might seem a little preachy, but its true for myself. Finally my hard work has paid off and is worth something. For years I have really tried to get myself back to the place I was at before everything fell apart, before I stood alone. Now all my actual hard work is paying off and it feels great. I have been accepted for my mortgage, my own mortgage and it is through my own hard work, no one elses. Upon opening the door a new, paved path appeared in front of me, one that leads to a better place. I guess those who have left me behind will understand that I have left them behind myself. Everyone moves on, those who come back to you or stand by you through that transition, are people who are worth your time. I am happier than I was two years ago and that is thanks to a few people who have helped me on my way. Now I am building a new life for myself, one that doesn’t involve those who want to break me down for their own entertainment.

So tomorrow is a new day, a day where I can smile knowing my life is getting better, to the place I’ve wanted to be for some years. Through mistakes of my own making its taken me a while to get there, but lets hope I don’t make the same mistakes again.

Personal Update

So since I have started blogging I have had loads of views and followers, which is a good thing, but I don’t blog for that reason.  I find that when I write, it just pours out and blogging helps me keep up my word count and encourage me to continue writing.  I, usually, write about controversial subjects with a passion that some take time to get too.  I carry with me baggage, like any person, some of that is belief based, but the majority is personal.  Often I will write about something I feel passionately about like religion or politics, sometimes I will jump onto the bandwagon and target something that everyone is barking on about, because when I write, I write with passion.  I have been told, and read, by several people and in several places, that anyone can write.  Anyone can write a book. anyone can write a script, article, poem, short.  Its not something that requires skill, as people write every single day.  Its the content, passion and dedication that separates a writer from a blogger, or one time competition entrant.  Someone within a group I am a member of has managed to get herself published, professionally, which is a fantastic achievement and one that requires dedication.

Then I turn to my own writing, I turn to the writing I dedicate myself too and I get a sense of dread based failure.  Like I am looking into a deep chasm of commitment that I cannot step into, the fear of hurting myself when I do is too great.  The bridge across the chasm is much more tempting, the bridge of giving up, of going back to that life of playing games, working five days a week and, really, not having a great sense of accomplishment at the end of it all.  Now the life I lead outside of work I can accomplish so much, house, wife, child, happiness leads from these things on a selfish level.  I made a child, I worked for my house, I managed to meet someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.  These things some people don’t desire, and they have their own self accomplishments, but these are things I want.  Sadly those things are quite easy to achieve through being a nice, caring, hardworking person.  My work based achievements are harder to reach, I dedicated myself to a corporation for nine years before I was spat back out again with not much to show for it, now I am back with the same company, just a different umbrella and its hard work, again.  I hope that in a few years time I would have climbed up to, at least, the next level and I will have accomplished something from the company.

Personally, I have a very low self esteem at the moment, almost none existent.  I don’t feel like I am accomplishing anything at all.  This is the point of todays blog.  I write, sometimes, too much about subjects that have zero impact on my life.  Nine times out if ten I, honestly, don’t say what I say in order to change anyone’s point of view.  Likewise I care little about the comments made, as they won’t change my mind.  Life is grinding me down, I honestly feel low, but not in a depressed dangerous kind of way.  I am just disappointed within myself.  Its human nature to seek approval of others within society, so often the choices we make and the things we say are all done to seek approval of our peers.  Irrelevant of what some might say, its the reason we do things and the reason we commit on a level we do regarding certain subjects.  Luckily through my own ignorant, selfish nature, I honestly don’t do anything to see approval, I couldn’t care less about seeking anything from anybody.  I have no real close friends anymore, my peers are all too far away (work wise) and the girl I love knows where she and I stand with each other.  I think, what I am missing, is someone who just backs me up.  I am missing a friend that I can spend time with, be with and just talk to on a level where he won’t be a huge moron about the subject matter I am talking to him about, but debate with me the finer points of the subject.  I am not looking for a yes man, I see too many of my friends who have too many yes people around them and I, honestly, feel sorry for them.  I am looking for someone who, at the end of a debate will smile, and go for a cup of coffee with me.  No anger, no snide comments, no continuation of attempting to prove a point that was made time and time again, in order to sway me.  Just a simple smile, and change the conversation to the psychology of cats.

I can see that, on a deeper level, that person was my father.  I could talk to him about anything and he would debate with me, make me see the finer points and then show me a video of a cat falling over.  Why?  That is what a good friend does, essentially we all go through life accepting that these friends are great, but some only surround themselves with yes men, people who agree with them for the sake of having friends in lots of places. 

I am struggling with life at the moment, that chasm won’t disappear, nor will I avoid it.  I stand at the bridge deciding whether or not to jump into the chasm and see what happens, or just cross the bridge.  What I feel though is that I am being pushed across the bridge, even though I have not yet decided.  I have already dove into one chasm, the religious chasm, and I know that its a difficult path to follow, but I am walking it.  I would just like someone to stop me and support me with what I want to do and, at the moment, I feel like I am alone in the crowd.  The crowd is surging towards the bridge of simplicity, the easy life on the other side, where people just work, breath and sleep.  I would love to jump into the chasm of writing, but I need support, emotionally and physically to do the writing course I want to do.

Although vanity and self gratification aren’t the best principles for someone to follow, I just want to write a book, publish it and have my name printed on the cover.  It will prove that I can do it, and it is something I have a deep passion for.  The passion I have when I write can get so deep I forget time exists, and I slip away onto a stream of subconscious thought that spills out onto the keyboard.  Later when I look back I can see bits I’ve missed as my fingers move at such a rate, I forget to type whole words.  I love writing, but I cannot afford to do it full time, yet.  Yet is a world used when someone really wants something, and is working towards it, but your not quite there.

Here’s to hoping that, sometime in the future, I can be the writer I want to be.
Take care everyone.